I’ve been studying sexuality and sexual practices for about 10 years. I have also been studying spirituality and its intersection with sexuality for about the same amount of time. The study and learning is part of what makes a good Sex and Intimacy Coach. However, who we are as people and how we feel connected or not to ourselves, others and the Source Energy (insert your favorite name for this energy here) is what we bring to relationships. Understanding that intimacy begins with the Self and our sense of connectedness within is a fundamental part of being a Sex and Intimacy Coach.
BDD: How can I tell if I need a coach?
Most people come to me because they’ve reached a place in their lives where the skills they have aren’t working for the situation they are in. They need new skills, new insights, and new perspectives to handle everything from erectile concerns, anorgasmia, deepening intimacy, coming out of the closet, returning to dating after a break-up, and more.
BDD: How do you help your clients, what’s unique about your approach?
Each client is unique, and so my approach is tailored to the needs of each client. Generally, though, what makes me unique is that I consider not only physical concerns with sex and intimacy; I address the concerns of the spirit as well. Those might look like cultural attitudes and beliefs, one’s relationship to joy, guilt, pleasure, and expectations of gender roles, or the way you learned (or didn’t learn) to communicate with a partner.
BDD: How would you convince a skeptic to reach out to a coach?
I don’t try to convince anyone. That’s not my job. My job is to allow my client to explore their own reasons why they might be wanting to have a coach and what might be holding them back from effectively addressing their concerns.
BDD: Can you give us an example of a success story?
I’ve got two:
One couple came to me thinking that they were trying to figure out how to stay together. After 3 sessions, they realized they were moving in different directions, and we worked together to help them ease the transition with love and care. (Their testimonials are on my website.)
Another client came to me (after attending one of my seminars) to talk about her inhibitions and how to be more adventurous and creative in her sex play with her husband. We met 4 times with a couple weeks between each session so she could practice what we discussed. After our sessions were over, she felt much more confident and was able to articulate her desires to her husband in a way that really turned him on. (Her comments are also on my website.)
BDD: Would you ever turn anyone down? Why? Why not?
I have turned people down if I thought they were looking for some type of service that I don’t provide. I don’t provide hands-on coaching or sexual surrogacy services. I also have turned down potential clients because they were intoxicated or high when they called me. I can’t help you shift your reality if you can’t find it.
BDD: What is the most common trouble with which people come to you?
Communicating what they want without feeling guilty or like they are criticizing their partner.
BDD: What’s the most valuable piece of advice you can give that applies to all?
Address concerns sooner rather than later. The more light you can shine on a “problem”, the less problematic it will be. Denying the issue/issues, covering up your feelings, and pretending to enjoy what isn’t working for you can all lead to lots of resentment. That can fester and infect everything in the relationship.
BDD: How soon can we see results of coaching?
Depending on the issue, a person can usually see results with the first session. Most coaching clients see me between 1 and 4 times.
BDD: What is the number one mistake that people make?
The number one mistake that people make is thinking that they are stuck and not doing anything about it…settling for boring sex, limited intimacy and lack of desire.
BDD: How can I tell I don’t need coaching anymore, I’m doing well by myself?
If you’ve reached a point of being comfortable with the initial concern for which you contacted me, and if you realized that issue was not covering up something deeper, then you probably don’t need me anymore. However, I’m always up for ‘tune-up’ sessions for former clients.
BDD: Does a coach usually have a coach?
Oftentimes coaches will use coaching as a helpful aid. I have used coaching for business purposes. I also have several friends who are do similar work to mine, so I use them as sounding boards when I come up on a place of stuckness.
BDD: Any books you would recommend?
Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt
BDD: What is the number one goal your clients usually have?
Bringing more satisfaction and joy to their sex-play.
BDD: What’s your take on online dating?
I think online dating is a great way to meet people who aren’t in your regular circle of friends and acquaintances. Meeting people online allows you to be really clear about who you are and what kind of person you’d like to meet. I always leave room, though, for magic to happen with someone you wouldn’t typically go for initially.