BDD: What does it take to be coach?
You have to be a good listener. You have to be empathetic. You have to deeply care about your clients and want to help them. You have to understand your client’s pain. In my opinion, someone who has experienced at least some of the same struggles you are going through but has transcended them and is now living the kind of life you would like to be living would make an exceptional coach for you.
BDD: How can I tell if I need a coach?
If you feel like you are continually “bumping your head against the wall” and not seeing any movement forward in your goal, then you can benefit from a coach. If you feel you have “finally had enough!” and are ready to take responsibility for your own crap and willing to take action, you would benefit from the wisdom, encouragement and inspiration of a coach.
Also, if you want to “cut the learning curve down” and not have to go through years of trying to figure it out and get it right, you would benefit from a coach.
BDD: How do you help your clients, what’s unique about your approach?
I help my clients by taking them by the hand through a step-by step process so they can reach their ultimate goal of getting love RIGHT!
I think what is unique about my approach is I’m not just saying you can sit around at home, visualize your life partner, and he will come knocking on your door. I’m also not saying that you should join another dating service or polish up your profile without working on your head and heart FIRST. If you don’t deal with your life lessons the first time around, Life has a way of amplifying your lessons the next go around. Sometimes those lessons can’t get pretty darn loud! In other words, if you don’t deal with your sh**, you get to repeat it.
I believe it’s crucial to both work on the inner world – your beliefs, your “story”; and also use manifestation tools to “call in” your life partner. AND it’s equally important to get into action! Start putting yourself out there; go on a few bad dates – start building momentum! The act of getting into motion is very attractive, and opportunities will start “showing up” – sometimes when you least expect it, sometimes out of the blue.
BDD: How would you convince a skeptic to reach out to a coach?
I would simply ask them if “their way” is working for them – have they gotten the results they desire so far? When you are “in the thick of” your own challenges, sometimes it’s hard to see the way through on your own. Sometimes you need the help of a guide who has “been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it” to show you the way through.
BDD: Can you give us an example of a success story?
The best example I have is my own. I didn’t come from a close family. I never saw my parents hug or kiss, and never really saw them fight either. I never heard them say “I love you” to each other or to me. I used to dream of what it would be like when I was a wife and mother. I would take mental notes on how I could do it better than my parents when it was my turn.
My world came crashing down when I was 17. My dad left my mom and his business went bankrupt. I never saw it coming. I moved out of the house and had a string of relationships ranging from unfulfilling to bad until I settled on my first husband. Every day was hell for me. After 2 years I fled with my baby girl on my hip, less than $50 to my name, no car and no job. I had to go on welfare and move back in with my mom. I sold everything I owned just so I could pay for diapers.
After my soon-to-be ex literally tried to take my daughter away from me for the 3rd time, I quit my job, pulled my daughter out of daycare and spent a month in a battered women’s shelter. My self-esteem was in the gutter. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did – I got pregnant.
With no money, no support, no options and zero self-esteem I made the most painful decision I’m sure I will ever have to make in my life and that was to give up my baby up for adoption.
This was the turning point for me; this is where I decided I had had enough! I had had enough pain! I had made too many compromises in my life and I was DONE settling! I was willing to do whatever it took to break my patterns and find true love.
I started implementing in earnest what I call Manifestation Principles I had been studying since the age of 9. I read book after book – literally hundreds of books and audio programs. I started going to classes again. I worked very hard to implement everything I knew to be true and try strategies that resonated with me from all of the material I was consuming.
I’m a big believer that it’s not enough to work on the inside. If you want to make any big change in your life you have to take massive action. I joined a gym. I tried a dating service. I placed personal ads and went on countless blind dates. I learned to flirt. I became the self-proclaimed, “Queen of First Dates” going on literally hundreds of first dates in the 7 years I was a single mom.
After 6 years of continuous effort on both the inside and outside not only was I NOT married, but I hadn’t had a relationship in all that time that lasted more than 3 months. You might say I was just a little bit frustrated! I finally came to a point of surrender. My daughter and I were fine. I didn’t need a man in my life; I wanted one, but I didn’t NEEED him. I had finally understood the Law of Detachment.
I met my honey, Dave, less than a month later. It has turned out better than I ever imagined! When I was a girl I used to dream of owning a creative business with my mate, but after so many years of romantic frustration I was beginning to doubt it possible to meet a man that would make the perfect life partner AND have the skills and mindset to start a business! Dave and I got married and started a business the same day.
Not only do we work side by side every day, but one of our favorite activities is long distance hiking. When you are out in the wilderness with no cell phone reception and as much as a 100 miles to the closest town with a payphone; you better learn to work together and get along! So far, it’s been 13 happily married years together – so I guess you could say I FINALLY – got love RIGHT!
BDD: Would you ever turn anyone down? Why? Why not?
If a person is not willing to take responsibility for their own love life and is not willing to take any action, then there really isn’t much I can do to help them.
BDD: What is the most common trouble with which people come to you?
They feel stuck. Maybe it’s been awhile since were out on the dating scene and they feel real nervous about getting back out there again. Or maybe they recognize that they keep repeating the same dating patterns and keep experiencing a lot of pain in their relationships.
BDD: What’s the most valuable piece of advice you can give that applies to all?
Always be working on yourself and your own personal growth. Recognize and appreciate your value and worth. Never settle.
BDD: How soon can we see results of coaching?
Results will always vary from person to person…how much work have you done on yourself already? How willing are you to look at your past and write a different story? How willing are you to get out there and date? When fears come up, are you going to let that shut you down, or are you willing to work through them?
BDD: What is the number one mistake that people make?
Thinking they can change somebody – settling with Mr. or Mrs. “Not Quite Right”.
Not being willing to take responsibility for your own sh** would run a close second.
BDD: How can I tell I don’t need coaching anymore, I’m doing well by myself?
In my opinion, coaching is something that you may want to keep open-ended. When you are on track with your needs, and are following through with massive action; that might be all you need. It’s nice, however, to keep the door open for those times when you need a little “tune-up” or you notice old patterns beginning to resurface and you would like some support.
BDD: Does a coach usually have a coach?
I believe that we all need to be coached at different times in our lives whether one on one, mastermind, or mentorship through seminars, books, or continuing education.
BDD: Any books you would recommend?
Hmmm… it seems like all of the books I can think of either stress working on the inner world or show you how to take action in the outer world…
I think “Love Will Find You: 9 Magnets to Bring You and Your Soulmate Together” by Kathryn Alice is pretty good…also “Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding You Own True Love” by Diana Kirchner.
BDD: What is the number one goal your clients usually have?
Finding their life partner.
BDD: What’s your take on online dating?
Well, being that is how I met my honey back in 1997 – before all of the dating sites there are now – I ADORE it! I think online dating is hands down the best way to meet a partner who will fulfill you. I think you need to use common sense and follow safe dating practices – just like you would with any other type of date where you don’t know the other person real well beforehand, but I think it’s by far the best way to expose yourself to a large number of prospects. How long would it take you to meet 100 men in real life? I’m sure it would take a lot LESS time to skim through 100 profiles!
Here is a question I might add:
What are the crucial steps to finding your life partner?
1. Open up to the possibility of love: believe he or she is really out there and that it is possible for you to be happily married. Take responsibility for your own love life and make a firm commitment to stay on the path.
2. Define who your ideal partner is. Many of us think we know what we want, but unless you have spent some time reflecting on your own personal values and understand what your rules are for having a great relationship, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.
3. Clear the way. This is where you take a look at your past and start to release beliefs that are no longer serving you so you don’t keep repeating the same old patterns. The good news is you don’t have to be completely “crap-free” to attract your life partner. I belief self growth is an ongoing, lifelong process.
4. Build belief. Use visualization and other manifestation Tools to create and amplify the feelings you will feel when you have found your life partner. Everything in this world first started as a Thought. When you can see it in your head and feel it in your heart you will attract it into your reality.
5. Take massive action! Dates beget more dates. Staying at home begets more of that! Get into action – even if its baby steps at first – like starting 1 new conversation with someone you don’t know each day.
6. Surrender control. Let go of the “wanting” to be in a relationship – the need. Let it be ok if it doesn’t happen right away. If you try to grab a fistful of water, it will escape through your fingers, but if you gently cup your hands, you can take a drink!
BDD: Kelly, thank you for your time!
Kelly Ellzey
Website: http://manifestyournextmate.com/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/KellyEllzeyBiz
Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/manifestmate
kelly@manifestyournextmate.com