I asked myself today this question. What love really is? What does it mean? I’m talking about the love one has for a lover, not a parent, kid, best friend. Romantic love. Love that turns into a life together, years, and decade shared. Ups, and downs, good moments, and bad. Those days when we hate each other, and those long nights alone, when all we can do is think and dream about each other, waiting for the moment to be together again.
Does love really exist? How do we know we are in love? How do we know that we love somebody? Is there a difference between the two? How can I tell?
I think the purest most innocent, and leaving the lasting memories is the love we fall in when we are teenagers. We don’t know yet what life is all about, we don’t know that love hurts sometimes. We really don’t know much at all. All we do know is that we are crazy in love, and we can’t imagine living without that one special person. What am I saying! Living? We can’t imagine another breath without that person! We know we would do everything we can to keep that one person in our lives forever.
But then it ends. Something breaks. She kissed someone else. He asked someone else to the prom. Or maybe he moved out to a different city, and after a month or two the calls became less frequent, and it ended.
Then comes the glorious age of 20! Yes, 20! It’s a whole decade when we are not kids, but act like kids! Don’t we fall love? Yes, we do! We know now though that it can hurt, and it can hurt badly, and for a long time, and there is no where we can we run from it. Forget it. We still fall in love! Usually it lasts a while, that it wears off, gets serious. We move in together. We do the laundry together! We walk the dog! We feel like we should do something about it, like it’s time to grow up, and be an adult. We propose, we get married, we divorce… wait what? Where is the happy ending? The honey moon? The cabin in the woods by the lake? The long strolls on the beach? Where did all that go? I thought we were meant to be together?
But then it ends. Again, something broke, something ended. Was anything there, we ask ourselves? Was there a point to it all? I thought she loved me? She said she did? Did I do something wrong? No, of course she did… she turned out to be someone completely different, as if she played a well scripted rolled throughout those years, and then when we made it official, I couldn’t recognize her anymore. Yes, it’s her fault, it’s all her fault. I hate her. She is the worse person I ever met.
Wait, wait, it hurts, somewhere inside, it hurts. A gentle pain that turns stronger, and deeper, and it doesn’t go away. Not quite like the pain I remember when I was 16. Why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt at all? I still love her. I’m still in love with her. Does she love me?
Time passes, wounds heal. I’m in love again! Yes, in love again! She is amazing! I just met her. Oh, it’s love, it’s true love this time. I wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t love, true love. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I’m in love.
We walk, we talk, we spend all this time together. I see no world beyond her, it’s only her. It’s crazy, it’s wild. Day, night, day, night… it’s a blur, a bliss, a blissful blur. A blur of joy… a joy of bliss. Whatever. I’m happy! You know how it feels? It feels as if nothing else mattered. It is just us. I hope it lasts. I hope it lasts.
She met someone. She met someone? She slept with someone. She did, what? She slept with him. She says it means nothing… she was upset, we had a fight, it was one night, it was a fight. Wait, why it all sounds like it’s my fault. Why does she make me feel guilty? Why it’s all black and white all around, where did all the colors go? Why is she screaming? What did I do? Was it my fault? No, it was not. I did nothing. Just a fight, a bigger one, but just a fight, was that enough? Was that enough to end it all? Was that enough to hurt me so? Why did she do that? How could she? Did she really love me? If she did, she wouldn’t do it? Would she?
I feel the pain, it takes over my body, it hurts, I feel as if I was bleeding all inside, as it the pain was ripping me apart. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I hate her. How could she have done it? The pillow still smells like her. Where is she? What is she doing? Is the end?
Something got broken, something ended, time to move on. No. I can’t. I can’t move on just yet. Where is she? I miss her? I miss her so much? I love her. I do? Do I? It hurts.
I singing, I’m dancing. I met someone. She is so pretty, she is so great. Is it for real? Will she call me back? She did call! We met up! It’s been few weeks, we are dating now! Oh, it’s a relationship she says. That’s my boyfriend – she calls me her boyfriend! Time passes, things get serious! The big day comes, we move in together, we buy a house, we have a kid!
Does she still love me? She doesn’t time. We used to be crazy about each other, no we are ok. I mean, we are fine. Is fine good enough? Am I in love? Well, I love her… but am I in love…?
Love has many faces, and love comes and goes, we take it for granted when it’s there, and we don’t want to let it in, when we are hurt, and distrustful… no matter what, always remember that love is the best experience in life. The only thing really worth living for? Or is it?